Last night again as I was complaining to my cell friends that I don't know what my purpose being here in Malaysia is, he said that probably this is a time of training. And I replied saying that that's what I would like to believe, that God is training and equipping me.
Today I attended my first Kairos course.
Since beginning of this year when I knew that there was a Youth Kairos coming up in June I was eager to attend it. But unfortunately with my work starting this coming Tuesday I'd not be able to attend it. However I signed up for another Kairos course in Wesley Methodist Church which is conducted during the weekend for 3.5 weeks.
Well, if I choose to believe that this is a time of training, then I should make use of every opportunity to learn and equip myself. My church has many course that I can take and recently when I was having lunch with my friend who's working at St. Mary's Anglican Cathedral I got to know that there are a few open education courses that I can take as well.
Thus I will make use of my time this year to learn as much as I can because:
1. If I'm called by JPA end of the year I don't know where they'll post me.
2. If I continue to work with BASF I might want to go into engineering related field which is in the ulu area.
"Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:8 "
Monday, May 31, 2010
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Life Purpose Revisited
Lately I had the chance to ponder again on my life's purpose.
Was telling my friend just now as he was sending me back that I thought I found my purpose when I was back in Korea. And I thought God wanted me to come back that's why I'm here. But it seems that after coming back I've lost my purpose. So did I really find my purpose in the first place?
Probably I'm a little disillusioned by all the uncertainties that I'm facing.
But last night as I was attending Dr. Rody's conference, he mentioned that there's a difference between "interest" and "passion". He goes on the explain that "interest" is related more to our intelectual aspect while "passion" is strongly connected with our emosion.
I've always said that it's hard for me to make decision because I'm interested in so many things. But come to think of it, what am I passionate about?
While I was still in uni, I wanted to be involved with missionary work, probably full time, but more as a tentmaker. And I thought that was my calling or purpose.
Come back to think of it, the reason I worked part time with the Korean company was with the hope that the business will be suceesful and I can raise fund for mission work. I've been looking forward to this during the last year of my uni life but when the business stopped abruptly after 2 months of my graduation, I lost my direction.
That was when I began to ponder whether I should get rid of my JPA bond or wait for them to call me back and work for the government. I was undecisive over this matter because though the pay in the public sector is not high, it is a place where I can try to make a difference. The thought of getting rid of the bond so that I can remain in the private sector which offers me a higher pay also crossed my mind. I was also weighing the pros and cons of staying in this two different sector in the long run, i.e till I retire, taking into calculation EPF and pension plan.
What I missed when making these calculation is my life's purpose and my calling. My interest in changing the public sector and making it more productive and efficient blurred me from my passion- making a change in people's life, especially for those who are in need in China and Middle East.
If I go into the public sector, it's not impossible but it'll be hard for me to go to China or Middle East. Of course if God wants me to be in the government sector first I'm sure He'll provide a way, or I can change career later on after a few years.
But what is more intellectually sound is to remain in the private sector and seek opportunities to work in those countries. Or getting another Master qualification before going there.
-Time will Tell-
Was telling my friend just now as he was sending me back that I thought I found my purpose when I was back in Korea. And I thought God wanted me to come back that's why I'm here. But it seems that after coming back I've lost my purpose. So did I really find my purpose in the first place?
Probably I'm a little disillusioned by all the uncertainties that I'm facing.
But last night as I was attending Dr. Rody's conference, he mentioned that there's a difference between "interest" and "passion". He goes on the explain that "interest" is related more to our intelectual aspect while "passion" is strongly connected with our emosion.
I've always said that it's hard for me to make decision because I'm interested in so many things. But come to think of it, what am I passionate about?
While I was still in uni, I wanted to be involved with missionary work, probably full time, but more as a tentmaker. And I thought that was my calling or purpose.
Come back to think of it, the reason I worked part time with the Korean company was with the hope that the business will be suceesful and I can raise fund for mission work. I've been looking forward to this during the last year of my uni life but when the business stopped abruptly after 2 months of my graduation, I lost my direction.
That was when I began to ponder whether I should get rid of my JPA bond or wait for them to call me back and work for the government. I was undecisive over this matter because though the pay in the public sector is not high, it is a place where I can try to make a difference. The thought of getting rid of the bond so that I can remain in the private sector which offers me a higher pay also crossed my mind. I was also weighing the pros and cons of staying in this two different sector in the long run, i.e till I retire, taking into calculation EPF and pension plan.
What I missed when making these calculation is my life's purpose and my calling. My interest in changing the public sector and making it more productive and efficient blurred me from my passion- making a change in people's life, especially for those who are in need in China and Middle East.
If I go into the public sector, it's not impossible but it'll be hard for me to go to China or Middle East. Of course if God wants me to be in the government sector first I'm sure He'll provide a way, or I can change career later on after a few years.
But what is more intellectually sound is to remain in the private sector and seek opportunities to work in those countries. Or getting another Master qualification before going there.
-Time will Tell-
FIREWALL
Attended the family conference: "FIREWALL Your Family" by Dr. Rodi. Initially I thought it was just about parenting and other topics more suitable for married adults, but it turned out to be quite helpful for me as well.
It spoke on self esteem, addiction, and ways to overcome them.
But as I was helping out as a crew so was a little busy setting up the place, preparing tea break & lunch, clearing the place etc.
Just to list a few interesting notes:
1. When we are easily tempted:
Bored
Lonely
Anxious, Angry
Stressed
Tired
2. Accountability
4 X Friends
4 X Weeks
4 X (can't remember)
4 X Plans
3. Internet Accountability Software
http://www.x3watch.com/
It spoke on self esteem, addiction, and ways to overcome them.
But as I was helping out as a crew so was a little busy setting up the place, preparing tea break & lunch, clearing the place etc.
Just to list a few interesting notes:
1. When we are easily tempted:
Bored
Lonely
Anxious, Angry
Stressed
Tired
2. Accountability
4 X Friends
4 X Weeks
4 X (can't remember)
4 X Plans
3. Internet Accountability Software
http://www.x3watch.com/
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Being Bold In Praying
I notice that of late I'm not being bold in praying.
Rather I've become very passive, waiting for things to happen on me.
One of the reason is probably because I don't know how to or what to pray for in my current situation.
Frankly if I consider pure personal reason alone I do not want to work in the public sector.
However I'm not sure what idea God has in mind.
So rather than actively seeking a job with the gov. or actively getting rid of the bond, I'm just passively waiting for the offer to come, or don't come.
I've decided not to get a job with a Korean firm just to get rid of the bond, and have signed an agreement to work for a German company.
My friend who has been working there tried to get a release, but failed.
This time I'll try to get the release letter once I start work next week.
And I'll pray earnestly that God will take this cup away from me, but not my will be done, but His.
If I miraculously get the release, then I can testify about it.
If I don't get it, I'll assume that's what God has in mind and wait for the gov offer to come, or not to come.
*sigh*
Rather I've become very passive, waiting for things to happen on me.
One of the reason is probably because I don't know how to or what to pray for in my current situation.
Frankly if I consider pure personal reason alone I do not want to work in the public sector.
However I'm not sure what idea God has in mind.
So rather than actively seeking a job with the gov. or actively getting rid of the bond, I'm just passively waiting for the offer to come, or don't come.
I've decided not to get a job with a Korean firm just to get rid of the bond, and have signed an agreement to work for a German company.
My friend who has been working there tried to get a release, but failed.
This time I'll try to get the release letter once I start work next week.
And I'll pray earnestly that God will take this cup away from me, but not my will be done, but His.
If I miraculously get the release, then I can testify about it.
If I don't get it, I'll assume that's what God has in mind and wait for the gov offer to come, or not to come.
*sigh*
Monday, May 24, 2010
Greater Things Are Still To Be Done In This City
Just came back from the Global Day Of Prayer.
It was awesome seeing so many Christians gathering in the Stadium Malawati in Shah Alam to seek God and pray for our nation and the world.
The song that stood out the most to me was God Of This City.
I first heard this song when I was in Korea, I think on a Sunday morning service in Kangnam, and Kangnam is indeed a place where we need to see more of God's work.
Today I'm back here in Malaysia, but nonetheless there are still many things to be done in this city and country as well.
After wrestling with God for the past few weeks my heart tells me that God wants me to be here. So not likely I'll run elsewhere for the moment.
Furthermore after many talks with church people and prayers, I've more or less decided not to get rid of the JPA bond i.e. finding a job at a Korean company.
Like what Queen Esther said: 죽으면 죽으리이다. If I die, I die. If God sends the JPA offer to me, I'd gladly accept it and go in to the public sector for a few years. If it doesn't come then I'll work with the present company for a few years before making my next decision.
I'm not saying that working in the public sector is the only way to serve the country or to serve God, but I believe that this is my battle and conviction: To not look at myself, what I want, but to look at how I can optimize the opportunity that God provides.
It was awesome seeing so many Christians gathering in the Stadium Malawati in Shah Alam to seek God and pray for our nation and the world.
The song that stood out the most to me was God Of This City.
I first heard this song when I was in Korea, I think on a Sunday morning service in Kangnam, and Kangnam is indeed a place where we need to see more of God's work.
Today I'm back here in Malaysia, but nonetheless there are still many things to be done in this city and country as well.
After wrestling with God for the past few weeks my heart tells me that God wants me to be here. So not likely I'll run elsewhere for the moment.
Furthermore after many talks with church people and prayers, I've more or less decided not to get rid of the JPA bond i.e. finding a job at a Korean company.
Like what Queen Esther said: 죽으면 죽으리이다. If I die, I die. If God sends the JPA offer to me, I'd gladly accept it and go in to the public sector for a few years. If it doesn't come then I'll work with the present company for a few years before making my next decision.
I'm not saying that working in the public sector is the only way to serve the country or to serve God, but I believe that this is my battle and conviction: To not look at myself, what I want, but to look at how I can optimize the opportunity that God provides.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Time To Relax
When I first came back to Kuching few weeks ago I was in Frustration Mode.
Nothing was going my way and everything seemed to be going against me.
Many things happened during these few weeks and many mental changes occured as well.
I was in the heat of pursuing my part time job and was frustrated that nothing was going well.
Was upset that the day I signed the contract for my rented room in PJ I had to fly back.
Was not sure of what I wanted and was in a spiritual roller coaster.
But my time here has seemed to cool me off.
Taking time off to relax, do the house chores, cooking, shopping, learning to drive, hanging out with friends, exploring Kuching etc.
And it was during this period that I've decided to stop or minimize my involvement with the part time company that I've been working for the past 3 years because I think my effort is not being appreciated and while I think for the company in various way they don't really take care off me.
So I send in my resume to 2 companies in KL and went to an interview last week.
I can work anytime but I'm not in a rush to work as there's so many things I want to do.
If by end of the month I'm still not working will probably sign up for Youth Kairos.
But if I've started working will still try to sign up for a normal Kairos Course in June.
Trusting in God.
Especially with my issue with the government.
Nothing was going my way and everything seemed to be going against me.
Many things happened during these few weeks and many mental changes occured as well.
I was in the heat of pursuing my part time job and was frustrated that nothing was going well.
Was upset that the day I signed the contract for my rented room in PJ I had to fly back.
Was not sure of what I wanted and was in a spiritual roller coaster.
But my time here has seemed to cool me off.
Taking time off to relax, do the house chores, cooking, shopping, learning to drive, hanging out with friends, exploring Kuching etc.
And it was during this period that I've decided to stop or minimize my involvement with the part time company that I've been working for the past 3 years because I think my effort is not being appreciated and while I think for the company in various way they don't really take care off me.
So I send in my resume to 2 companies in KL and went to an interview last week.
I can work anytime but I'm not in a rush to work as there's so many things I want to do.
If by end of the month I'm still not working will probably sign up for Youth Kairos.
But if I've started working will still try to sign up for a normal Kairos Course in June.
Trusting in God.
Especially with my issue with the government.
Sunday, May 02, 2010
Mission Conference & Carry the Call 2010
I had the chance to attend my church's Mission Conference during the weekend.
Every year SIB Kuching has a Mission Conference as far as I can remember, which is like 10, 15 years ago.
While I was still young I would go there with my aunt. Though I didn't fully understand what was being said or shared by the missionaries, I always had a keen interest in the works that the missionaries were doing.
Carry the Call was a youth mission thing that was started by my church youth group in 2000. This year is the 10th and final Carry the Call. I was at the first one and now God brought me back to attend the last one. It's been 10 years. I was actually thinking whether to go for Carry the Call or go hang out with my friends, since it's mostly for youth and I feel a bit out of it. But am glad I went.
Looking at my younger brother and sister answering to the missionary/speaker's challenge, I was reminded of how I used to response as well. At first I was sure I do not have the ability to go and I was also quite sure I didn't have the money to give. So the only challenge I could take was to pray for missions.
Few years down the road, I was still a student and had no money, but I was brave enough to give a token towards mission. I remember there was a short term mission trip in my church, but I didn't have the money to pay for it and I didn't hink that I would be any use going there.
Fastforwarding to my time in college, God led me to Campus Crusade for Christ and during my 1st and 2nd year of college I had the opportunity to go to Japan, Mongolia and China for 2~3 weeks short term mission.
At that time I even thought of going off for 1 year STINT directly after graduating.
But things have not turned out the way I wanted. Obstacles came, new opportunities arose and the challenges that I said I would take was forgotten.
But last night it seems that God was speaking to me. Reminding me that long ago, when God asked, "Whom shall I send?", I think I did say that if God was asking me to go, I'd go.
But how do I know whether God wants me to go?
This morning during service the speaker was saying that many people want clear guidance and indication from God that He wants them to go to mission. The speaker then asked us, how many of us have clear guidance and indication that God wants us to stay?
Every year SIB Kuching has a Mission Conference as far as I can remember, which is like 10, 15 years ago.
While I was still young I would go there with my aunt. Though I didn't fully understand what was being said or shared by the missionaries, I always had a keen interest in the works that the missionaries were doing.
Carry the Call was a youth mission thing that was started by my church youth group in 2000. This year is the 10th and final Carry the Call. I was at the first one and now God brought me back to attend the last one. It's been 10 years. I was actually thinking whether to go for Carry the Call or go hang out with my friends, since it's mostly for youth and I feel a bit out of it. But am glad I went.
Looking at my younger brother and sister answering to the missionary/speaker's challenge, I was reminded of how I used to response as well. At first I was sure I do not have the ability to go and I was also quite sure I didn't have the money to give. So the only challenge I could take was to pray for missions.
Few years down the road, I was still a student and had no money, but I was brave enough to give a token towards mission. I remember there was a short term mission trip in my church, but I didn't have the money to pay for it and I didn't hink that I would be any use going there.
Fastforwarding to my time in college, God led me to Campus Crusade for Christ and during my 1st and 2nd year of college I had the opportunity to go to Japan, Mongolia and China for 2~3 weeks short term mission.
At that time I even thought of going off for 1 year STINT directly after graduating.
But things have not turned out the way I wanted. Obstacles came, new opportunities arose and the challenges that I said I would take was forgotten.
But last night it seems that God was speaking to me. Reminding me that long ago, when God asked, "Whom shall I send?", I think I did say that if God was asking me to go, I'd go.
But how do I know whether God wants me to go?
This morning during service the speaker was saying that many people want clear guidance and indication from God that He wants them to go to mission. The speaker then asked us, how many of us have clear guidance and indication that God wants us to stay?
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
1 Week In Kuching
It's been a week since I came back, but felt much longer than that.
It was a time for me to practice my driving.
Drove many more times in the past 1 week.
Than what I did for the past 6 years.
Probably breaking a few rules along the way.
It was a time for me to do house chores.
Trying to clear the fridge by cooking all the food in it.
Realizing why grandmother complains not knowing what to cook.
Cooking similar stuff over and over again is no fun.
It was a time for me to look for a physiotherapist.
Wanted to find one to drop by our home to teach my mom.
But it seems that there are not many around who would go to a house..
Probably I can make a business by providing this service.
It was a time for me to appreciate the efforts of a housewife.
Doing the grocery shopping, cooking, washing etc.
Having not much time to do the work that I wanted to.
But was kind of good for me to rest and relax.
It was a time to get to know my neigbors better.
As well as the distance relatives that I visit only once a year.
When they drop by to visit my mom.
Bringing lots of apple till I don't know how to finish them.
It was also a time to see the bigger picture again.
Being less frustrated about the things not going well.
And to think about the things that can come through it.
Bringing God back into the picture and hoping for a better future.
"Man are the plans in a man's heart, but it is God's will that prevails."
It was a time for me to practice my driving.
Drove many more times in the past 1 week.
Than what I did for the past 6 years.
Probably breaking a few rules along the way.
It was a time for me to do house chores.
Trying to clear the fridge by cooking all the food in it.
Realizing why grandmother complains not knowing what to cook.
Cooking similar stuff over and over again is no fun.
It was a time for me to look for a physiotherapist.
Wanted to find one to drop by our home to teach my mom.
But it seems that there are not many around who would go to a house..
Probably I can make a business by providing this service.
It was a time for me to appreciate the efforts of a housewife.
Doing the grocery shopping, cooking, washing etc.
Having not much time to do the work that I wanted to.
But was kind of good for me to rest and relax.
It was a time to get to know my neigbors better.
As well as the distance relatives that I visit only once a year.
When they drop by to visit my mom.
Bringing lots of apple till I don't know how to finish them.
It was also a time to see the bigger picture again.
Being less frustrated about the things not going well.
And to think about the things that can come through it.
Bringing God back into the picture and hoping for a better future.
"Man are the plans in a man's heart, but it is God's will that prevails."
Saturday, April 24, 2010
The Longkang Tragedy
This is the account of the longkang tragedy that brought me back to Kuching:
It was 17 April, 4am. My mom woke up and couldn't go back to sleep.
As she was helping my neighbour doing some chores from 9am~2pm, during that paticular week, she decided to do some house chores before going to the neighbor's house.
5am. She decided to push the garbage bin out to the front of the gate, so that the garbage truck can collect the rubbish. The grass cutter has just cut off some bush/flowers the day before and she wanted to throw that away together. However, as she put the bunch of bush/flowers on top of the garbage bin, the thing fell and as she tried to hold on to it, she slipped and fell into the longkang next to the garbage bin.
Amazingly she managed to pull herself up from the longkang, but couldn't stand up on her own. She waited until her older brother, my uncle who stays next door open the doors to go jogging at about 5.30am. My uncle came over, but couldn't help her up on her feet as well. She then drag and shifted herself along the sidewalks till she reached the letter box, grabbed hold of it and pulled herself up.
They then decided to call the ambulance from the general hospital and at 6.15am they arrived in the hospital. Doctor came, x-rayed and said that they can only schedule an operation 4 weeks later.
When my mom's younger sister, my aunt who stays on the other next door came back (she's been working as a headmaster in Limbang for the past 1 year but comes back often to help out in the house, and it so happen she was coming back and landed in Kuching in the morning) she called my other aunts, and they decided it'll be better to shift her to Timberland Medical Hospital, a private hospital and get the operation done quickly.
My aunt's didn't manage to inform my two older brothers as one was in UAE and they didn't have time to go online and tell him while another is having his exam (something work-related). I didn't know that they didn't tell him, but glad I'm back here to get some things settled.
So this is the brief account.
It was 17 April, 4am. My mom woke up and couldn't go back to sleep.
As she was helping my neighbour doing some chores from 9am~2pm, during that paticular week, she decided to do some house chores before going to the neighbor's house.
5am. She decided to push the garbage bin out to the front of the gate, so that the garbage truck can collect the rubbish. The grass cutter has just cut off some bush/flowers the day before and she wanted to throw that away together. However, as she put the bunch of bush/flowers on top of the garbage bin, the thing fell and as she tried to hold on to it, she slipped and fell into the longkang next to the garbage bin.
Amazingly she managed to pull herself up from the longkang, but couldn't stand up on her own. She waited until her older brother, my uncle who stays next door open the doors to go jogging at about 5.30am. My uncle came over, but couldn't help her up on her feet as well. She then drag and shifted herself along the sidewalks till she reached the letter box, grabbed hold of it and pulled herself up.
They then decided to call the ambulance from the general hospital and at 6.15am they arrived in the hospital. Doctor came, x-rayed and said that they can only schedule an operation 4 weeks later.
When my mom's younger sister, my aunt who stays on the other next door came back (she's been working as a headmaster in Limbang for the past 1 year but comes back often to help out in the house, and it so happen she was coming back and landed in Kuching in the morning) she called my other aunts, and they decided it'll be better to shift her to Timberland Medical Hospital, a private hospital and get the operation done quickly.
My aunt's didn't manage to inform my two older brothers as one was in UAE and they didn't have time to go online and tell him while another is having his exam (something work-related). I didn't know that they didn't tell him, but glad I'm back here to get some things settled.
So this is the brief account.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Back to Kuching Again...
So I've decided to go back to Kuching tomorrow, to be with my mum as she'll be going through her operation 3pm today. Booked a one way ticket with the help of a cell member. Not sure how long I'll be in Kuching.
At first things wasn't going well for me. Now it seems that things are not going well for my family as well.
The day I signed a contract for a room here in KL, I got the news that my mum fell into the drain, fractured her bone, needs to be hospitalized with an operation scheduled in May, because the general hospital has a long list of patients waiting to undergo surgical operation.
My mum's sisters decided to get her out of the general hospital and into a private hospital as they think delaying the operation will only bring long term negative effect to the wounded area. But today I got news that there's 3 options, 2 which involves putting a rod into the bone which means she won't be able to squat anymore as it can dislocate, the 3rd option without rod is just to wait for natural healing to take place, 2~3 months, but if it doesn't heal she'll need to operate again to put the rod.
I guess if we had the resources the 3rd option will be the best. I didn't manage to talk to my brothers and other family members but I guess the undecisiveness is due to the fact that my mum will need to endure few more months of pain and inconveniences with no one at home to take care of things, and the probable cost of another operation...
And the Bible teaches us that God looks after the weak and poor...
Was it mere coincident that a cell member was telling me how she came back because "if she can't even honor her parents, how can she honor God?"
I guess in the current situation I have 2 options to make. I can be even bitter and angry at God for how things have turned out, that none of my projects are successful and that I can't give any financial help to ease the situation. Or I can thank God that nothing was successful and I can take some time off to go back home to be at her side.
Depends on which options I take it can either make me emotionally unstable and conceive more grudge in me or it can give me hope and encouragement.
Since I choose to believe that God is still good, I guess it'll be wiser to take option 2. That even though things are not going well now, eventually God will make His face shine upon me again...
At first things wasn't going well for me. Now it seems that things are not going well for my family as well.
The day I signed a contract for a room here in KL, I got the news that my mum fell into the drain, fractured her bone, needs to be hospitalized with an operation scheduled in May, because the general hospital has a long list of patients waiting to undergo surgical operation.
My mum's sisters decided to get her out of the general hospital and into a private hospital as they think delaying the operation will only bring long term negative effect to the wounded area. But today I got news that there's 3 options, 2 which involves putting a rod into the bone which means she won't be able to squat anymore as it can dislocate, the 3rd option without rod is just to wait for natural healing to take place, 2~3 months, but if it doesn't heal she'll need to operate again to put the rod.
I guess if we had the resources the 3rd option will be the best. I didn't manage to talk to my brothers and other family members but I guess the undecisiveness is due to the fact that my mum will need to endure few more months of pain and inconveniences with no one at home to take care of things, and the probable cost of another operation...
And the Bible teaches us that God looks after the weak and poor...
Was it mere coincident that a cell member was telling me how she came back because "if she can't even honor her parents, how can she honor God?"
I guess in the current situation I have 2 options to make. I can be even bitter and angry at God for how things have turned out, that none of my projects are successful and that I can't give any financial help to ease the situation. Or I can thank God that nothing was successful and I can take some time off to go back home to be at her side.
Depends on which options I take it can either make me emotionally unstable and conceive more grudge in me or it can give me hope and encouragement.
Since I choose to believe that God is still good, I guess it'll be wiser to take option 2. That even though things are not going well now, eventually God will make His face shine upon me again...
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